From being curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor of my hotel room to fantasizing about a disfiguring accident involving my ex and his new “friends,” the past 48 hours have been one massively fucked up emotional roller coaster ride. I’ve tested my moral compass, questioned his and have yet to reach any sort of internal resolution.
Thankfully, I was able to distract myself for a few hours with drinks with an old friend. I was able to articulate rational thoughts and clearly see that this break up was the best thing to happen to me. I even found myself doling out relationship advice (completely unsolicited). Unfortunately, this clarity was as short lived as my ex’s erections (joke. not really. read Disclaimers.) and I woke up with an emotional hangover.
Like a real hangover, I have a headache and feel nauseous. I am the embodiment of guilt, embarrassment and regret. I feel empty, yet anxious. Did I make the rookie mistake of mixing too many different emotions? Where did all of my anger and rage go? I can’t even think of one creative way for him to lose all of his limbs today. This inability to stay angry has always been my problem. I rarely get mad and when I do, it is temporary. My “hate list” is limited to murderers, child molesters, terrorists, nazis and Ann Coulter. I guess I have always felt that anger and hatred are wasted emotions. I dislike the feeling of being mad at someone and even more so, having someone mad at me. I am quick to apologize, and even quicker to forgive. My mother says that this is one of my best qualities, but I am starting to question that. I’ve always felt that people take advantage of my forgiving nature and my ex only reinforced this feeling. He would do things like break up with me at half time of a football game on my birthday, knowing that I would forgive him in an instant and get back together with him (MISTAKE!) or leave me in a bar in downtown Cleveland and somehow shift the blame to me.
I know it sounds like I don’t have a backbone, but I really do. I am passionate person who stands up for what I believe and will go head to head with anyone with whom I disagree. But it is never done out of anger or hatred, but rather out of care, compassion and fiercely held beliefs. I just need to figure out how to take that fiery spirit and use it as a sword as I continue to trudge through this never ending gauntlet…I mean life.
Heartbreak with Humor 
I know plenty of strong women who have put up with bullshit behavior like that, and that includes myself. (For the record, my ex also started dating a mutual friend within weeks of telling me that he probably never loved me.) It is not your fault that your ex was an emotionally abusive asshole. He will keep living out the same cycle of behavoir for the next 20 years; the great news is that you don’t have to.
it is so unfortunate that we fall for people who end up being bad for us.. i recently found a journal i had kept during a relationship with an ex.. it was so depressing that i stayed with him for so long, especially after reading how i was feeling all the time.. he made me feel like everything was my fault, that i had to change who i was for him to even want to be with me.. it made me sad but then it made me happy that i was able to move on from him (after a long while) and find my now fiancé. i look forward to keeping up with your journey back to happiness.. you definitely deserve it. xxxx ps i hope to make it to a barre class someday, hopefully when i do, i’ll see you there!