The Taylor Swift disclaimer.

I raised quite a few eyebrows with a simple sentence in my last post (for those of you interested, I’ve upgraded my feelings to warm…ish).  As such, I am compelled to add another disclaimer.  If you are dating me, want to date me, have dated me in the past or simply want to sleep with me (sorry, mom) you will end up making a cameo in my blog.  I’m like the Taylor Swift of blogging and your antics will serve as fodder for future posts. So if you if you fail to return a phone call, stand me up for the school dance or interrupt my acceptance speech, you will end up in this blog somewhere.  I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. The following is a non-exhaustive list of things to do to guarantee an appearance on this blog. 

1. Brow beat me into a date.  While persistence is admirable, desperation is not.  Let’s be honest, I’m certainly not a position to be playing hard to get so when I say “I’m not interested,” I typically mean it.
2. Pick me up for a date in an unconventional mode of transportation.  Arriving on a tandem bicycle isn’t romantic if it’s because you’ve lost your license after your third DUI this year.  It’s called a cab.  It’s yellow. 
3. You have an abnormal penis.  Whether it is shockingly large, painfully small or simply hangs in an unusual manner you will be ridiculed …or worshiped for it, depending on the circumstance.  My lack of self control these days is astonishing.  However, I’m embracing it.
4. Excessive use of emoticons.  While I enjoy the occasional smiley face to let me know you are kidding, you are not a teenage girl and your texts should not read like a junior high cheerleader who just got her period.  LOL 😉
5. General Douchebaggery.  It’s not my job to define what actions equate to douchebaggery, but if you can picture yourself doing said action in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, then I will make fun of you, relentlessly.

Yes, all of this sounds a little harsh,but consider yourself warned.  While I may at times cast  you in a positive light (see warm-ish feelings), if you are an overly sensitive man who wants to date me, then you probably shouldn’t read my blog.  In fact, you probably shouldn’t even date me.  There’s only room for one drama queen in this relationship and I call dibs.  And if you are my ex reading this, in the words of Ms. Swift herself, “we are never ever getting back together. Like ever.”